Something is eating Benjamin Knuckles. Everybody that he encounters knows this to be self evident. "War changes a man" as the saying goes. The war Benjamin has fought was both foreign and domestic. Not to mention external and internal. Coping methods are scarce in the environment that Benjamin was casted in. Pacing from one direction to the next and talking to one's self is the only option. From five years-old up until some time in his teen years Benjamin would do this as a form of escapism. If your abusive step-father is trying to threaten you close the door of your bedroom and do the routine. If you find yourself struggling with your sexual identity do the routine; etc., etc.
After five tours in Afghanistan and five tours in Iraq Benjamin felt that he had paid his dues while taking part in the "War On Terror." Adjusting back to civilian life went well for a little while. A job as an intern at The Bronx Supreme Court filled his pockets with some form of cash. Under the Communication Studies major Benjamin had plans to work at The United Nations as some form of a diplomat. Than suddenly some form of a disorder sieged and took him over (both mentally and physically). Any simple sound would make Benjamin freak out and tremble. It could be an airplane or a passing truck and it still wouldn't matter. Crawling up into a ball in the middle of the street became a norm and everybody that knew him agreed that it was time to get help.
Next door to the McDonald's on Chambers Street is a U.S. Marine Recruitment Center. Walking through the door a lot has changed since he was last there to collect some documents before heading for active duty. At the receptionist desk Benjamin asked the young Marine (who could've been no older than 18) was there anyway that he could seek help for "disorders." The fellow Marine asked him for his address and contact number. Once receiving the information needed the young Marine tells him to go a near-by hospital in his area. Inside of this hospital near the Bx.31 is a floor that specializes in PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and other "disorders" that veterans returning to civilian life are forced to cope with.
Sitting in some office while laying on a sofa discussing his problems won't be an easy exercise for Benjamin. Will he be tough enough and man enough to open up about the horrors of war? Let's not sleep on Father Time. The human mind, body, and soul can best help us reveal any secret, fear, or action (currently and past-tense)….
Three days out of the week (the days differ) Benjamin takes the Bee-Line Bus Service to New Rochelle. A beautiful house in a gated community there is a family of four. The Kernis Family was very sophisticated. They were powerful, highly-educated, very well connected, and not to mention white (not to belittle or make an assumption of any group or ethnicity). Neil was a very well known attorney that worked in the Criminal Justice System in the South Bronx (161 Yankee Stadium area). His boisterous and provocative approach helped tons of people fighting cases from Criminal Court all the way to Family Court. Benjamin and Neil may had a reasonable amount of years between them (ten years to be exact) they loved challenging each other on politics, identity, economics, and even religion. Jill had a half a decade of experience on Wall Street as a stockbroker. Then she decided to take a position as a supervisor at Goldman Sachs. Benjamin would love hearing Jill go on lengthy rants about the evils of Wall Street. Some points he agreed with. Others he would beg to differ. Meghan "Meg" Kernis (7) and Zachary "Zac" Kernis (5) were their parent's pride and joy. Big sister Meg was the apple that can catch an eye. She had some of her father's qualities, but mostly resembled Jill. Little brother Zac was just like Neil, but with darker features (thanks to Jill). He loves to speak his mind on things just like his father. Fire and brimstone with a mix of critical thinking (in a restorative way) is how Neil and Jill raised their children.
Once in a while Meg and Zac would stay at home alone while Benjamin worked around the house (by performing trades that he learned as a Marine). If there was time to play or chat with them after the day's work was done Benjamin would do it. On a day that Neil and Jill would come early after running their errands or coming home from work Benjamin would encounter them to let them know that a job was done. Wallet, cell phone, keys, and jackets is collected. Out the door Benjamin heads to the only place he calls home, Edenwald Houses.
Life at home makes Benjamin wish he was back at work (permanently and with more pay). Between his mother and his younger sister and brother Benjamin has a lot on his back to bear. After his step-father left the house (with no site of returning) Benjamin became the man of the house. Helping his mother with his younger siblings Benjamin was a senior in high school. The idea of college was put on the back-burner. Doing something more important and "heaven-sent" seemed to drive him more. Although Benjamin and his mother didn't see eye to eye on him signing up to be apart of The United States Marine Corps a boy had to build himself up into a man. On June 27, 2013 Benjamin attended training and by July 5, 2013 he had passed the required standards to become a member of The United States Marine Corps ("The Few. The Proud. The Marines"). Just in case things didn't work out as a Marine his mother insisted that Benjamin enrolled into a college. BMCC (Borough of Manhattan Community College) was the only open option.
Not too far from BMCC's main building (199 Chambers Street) was a Marine Recruitment Center. July 25, 2013 would be the last day that Benjamin would be a civilian for a good period of time. Waking up that morning Benjamin took a shower, ironed his uniform, kissed his mother, said goodbye to his younger siblings, and headed out the door. Holding a duffle bag Benjamin heads to JFK and his journey as a Marine had Started.
If the smell of gun powder could ever become a natural aroma that was the case for Afghanistan. Edenwald had it's troublesome activities (as it regards to criminality and mischief), but automatic combat in Afghanistan took the cake. In the Marines it's hard being a man (because of the demographics of the field favoring males over females). Being a black man in the Marine Corps can be a horror of it's own. At first Benjamin would find time to play with the little Afghani children and cater to their elderly (if that time was granted). A high ranking member of his unit saw this and had to give the young scout the routine. With his red hair, freckles, snow white skin, and middle American accent this sergeant told Benjamin: "All this Uncle Ben shit doesn't work or matter to these people. Your here to serve your country and fight terrorism. Not work for these dirt-bunnies." Craving to become a sergeant someday Benjamin knew he had to "stay on code."
Forcefulness and aggression became apart of Benjamin's regiment. Sooner or later others started to take notice of this bizarre change. Cursing and displaying "suicides" on civilians (both innocent and suspect) became something he did on a daily basis. Before a year passed everybody started calling him Sgt. Benjamin Knuckles.
Iraq made Benjamin more conscience of his role in the great scale of the universe. A decade had passed since Saddam Hussein was overthrown (and later executed). Leading by the best example was the motto that Benjamin went by. Now a sergeant Benjamin had a beard and gained 30 pounds of muscle. Everybody in his unit started calling him Hawkeye due to his observant nature and quick thinking. The barbaric lessons that he learned while serving in Afghanistan did wear off on him from time to time. But, keeping his morals in check Benjamin gets up every morning to serve his country (nothing more or less). Exchanging fire was scarce and Benjamin went home safe and at ease.
Jamelia "Joi" Hampton was Benjamin's junior by five years. Only twenty-one Joi was very wise for her years. She was quick on her feet and always followed orders. If Benjamin became a hothead Joi knew how to calm things down. Serving in Iraq Joi moved up to a higher rank. Fire and wind never go hand-and-hand. But, as it regarded Benjamin and Joi some could make it an exception. Once training sessions was over or after a duty was over both Benjamin and Joi would get some alone time (R&R). The relationship that they had was well known among their peers, but was kept private. Traveling from New York City to Chicago the relationship seemed to be compromising, until things took a rocky turn. First, was the weird chemistry between the two that would cause them to clash (over small things turned huge). Second, was their political views (Benjamin was the "Urban Conservative" while Joi was the outspoken "Social Justice Warrior"). Lastly, an epic bombshell was revealed. On a mild autumn afternoon Benjamin received a call from Joi. Coming home from a class at BMCC Benjamin wasn't in the mood for jokes or dumb "surprises." A question and response was exchanged. This resulted in Joi telling Benjamin that she was pregnant. Not wanting children and obviously not being ready to have a family Benjamin lashes out on Joi (like he didn't help her in creating the unborn life). A bond that was on it's last leg had just ended. Benjamin's last words to Joi was "you could have the baby if you want. I want no parts of you, that thing, or that lifestyle."
Whether Benjamin has a little version of him out in Chicago or in another state is still a mystery. Anybody who was looking at the couple from the outside in could tell that neither side would be ready for parenting.
Pain can drive a man crazy if he has no one to talk to. Having a journal on his bedpost made things a tad pit easier. Everything from his childhood trauma, sexual frustration, experiences in the Marines, relationship with Joi, and aspirations for his future were the topics written inside of this journal. So much was written in this one journal of his that he even thought about publishing a book. What topic or setting the book would be on wasn't known. But, someday somehow Benjamin was determine to enter the field of literature.
Staring at the ceiling of Dr. Philip Oswald's office in The Montefiore Medical Center on 600 East 233rd Street Benjamin is laying flat on a specialized sofa. As Benjamin speaks Dr. Phil is reading through his journal. Before he could determine a diagnosis or a solution for one he had to give Benjamin his just due on his writing structure (telling him that if he ever wanted to get in the world of publishing he had some people on speed dial). To determine if whether Benjamin suffered from the early stages of PTSD or Schizophrenia was still too early to diagnosis. Once the hour and thirty minute session was over Benjamin gets off the sofa, puts on his shoes, and shakes hands with Dr. Phil to go on with his day.
There goes Sergeant Benjamin Knuckles walking where the wind takes him. He is a broken man with broken dreams that somehow finds a way to fix himself (over and over again). The stuff that he has seen and went through would make most run and seek asylum. Being a mannequin for society's faults is never the most fun experience (whatsoever). Eating, sleeping, and digesting progress everyday Benjamin is teaching us something. Whether he knows this or not is totally up to him. What Benjamin teaches us is that no matter what you go through in this life the world will always move to the speed of sound. Standing on your truth is the key to unsolving any problem you may face as an individual. No matter what. No matter who's with you or against you. Even if it leads to one's death. Never stop fighting the good fight. [9/30/2020]
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